She’s Not Your Therapist, Bro: How Insecurity Is Killing Modern Dating

There’s a special kind of emotional hostage situation happening in modern dating, and too many women are the ones paying the ransom.

It starts cute. He calls you beautiful every morning. Tells you no one's ever made him feel this seen. Starts opening up. Childhood trauma, abandonment issues, a strained relationship with his father, an ex who cheated on him in 2015 and apparently haunts him like a poltergeist with lip gloss. You think, wow, he trusts me. We’re really building something here.

Then it happens. The shift.

Suddenly, you’re not his girlfriend. You’re his life coach, emotional sponge, mother figure, and full-time hype woman with no PTO. You miss one compliment? He spirals. You set a boundary? Now you’re the villain. He cheats or flakes or has a full-on meltdown because you didn’t refill the leaking hole where his self-worth should be.

Newsflash: a relationship is not rehab. If you’re showing up to the function looking for a woman to fix your foundation, you’re not dating, you’re outsourcing therapy.

Insecurity in men isn’t just unattractive, it’s dangerous. It creates a cycle of emotional manipulation that disguises itself as vulnerability. “I just really need you right now” becomes “You’re the only one who gets me” becomes “You’re the reason I’m like this.” And now she’s stuck walking on eggshells because you never learned how to walk on your own.

Let’s be clear: everyone has insecurities. That’s human. What’s not okay is making your partner the full-time manager of your self-esteem. That’s spiritual codependency wrapped in a hoodie and good morning texts.

You ever notice how the most insecure men are the quickest to cheat? Not because they don’t care. Because they do care, way too much. They’re addicted to reassurance. To control. To that temporary high of being wanted, even if it’s by someone they don’t actually respect. Validation becomes currency, and they spend it recklessly.

That’s where things get dangerous. Because the same man who leans on her for confidence will crumble the minute she sets a boundary. And instead of protecting her peace, he becomes the reason she has none. (If that part stung a little, go read “If She’s Your Peace, Be Her Protection.” I don’t write these things for my health.)

Meanwhile, the woman who’s been doing everything right is left bankrupt. Confused.

Wondering how loving someone turned into a full-time job with none of the benefits.

A confident man doesn’t need a woman to complete him, he needs her to compliment him.

Big difference. One requires a savior. The other welcomes a partner.

If you want to date well today and beyond, you need to stop looking for someone to fix your internal WiFi connection. Learn to love your own reflection before asking someone else to stare at it.

That means:

• Go to therapy. For real.

• Stop trauma-dumping on the first date like it’s open mic night.

• Build a life that you’re proud of without needing applause.

• Learn to self-soothe without expecting her to rock you to sleep with affirmations.

  
  

When you walk into a relationship already full, you don’t take, you pour.

HEAR ME OUT:

She’s not asking for perfection. She’s asking for a man who doesn’t fall apart every time she misses a goodnight text.

Being vulnerable doesn’t mean being dependent.Being loved doesn’t mean being fixed.

And if the only thing holding your self-worth together is a woman’s attention?

You don’t need a girlfriend.You need a journal and a licensed professional.

Respectfully.

Written by Ajani Brathwaite