BECOMING HANA: ON IDENTITY, REINVENTION AND BEING SEEN
HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE THE WOMAN YOU ARE TODAY TO SOMEONE WHO KNOWS NOTHING ABOUT YOU?
Multinational and ever changing! I’m nothing like who I was 3 years ago, and unrecognisable to 6 years ago. I am resilient, fierce, I know what I want. But I’m still sensitive as ever, only now I finally embrace it.
WHAT'S ONE ASSUMPTION PEOPLE OFTEN MAKE ABOUT YOU THAT COULDN'T BE FURTHER FROM THE TRUTH?
Funnily enough I can easily answer this for the sheer fact that everyone who meets me is just ridiculously shocked by either how intelligent I am or how nice I am… which I find both quite insulting. You can be sexy and smart guys. You can be intimidating and friendly too. I’m stereotyped as stuck up or shallow but I’m the most passionately soft and warm person in real life. And I love being that way.
HOW HAS YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH BEING SEEN AND UNDERSTOOD CHANGED AS YOU'VE GROWN, ESPECIALLY ONLINE?
My best friend has seen me grow for the last 10 years and I remember her advice when I was 21 to stop caring so much what people think. Nowadays people ask me advice on how to be as free as I am, how to not give a f*ck what anyone thinks. Once you realise that nobody’s perception of you is anything to actually do with you and more to do with parts of themselves that you trigger within them, you give up on trying to be liked. Being liked by everyone is a wh*res job. This life is just not a popularity contest to me, and I’m not particularly a fan of much of society's opinions - so if I was liked by the masses I’m doing something wrong! I got comfortable with being the villain, the whatever, in someone’s story. It doesn’t actually exist unless I let it. You breathe life into people’s opinions and you can literally put your phone down. It really is that simple.
YOUR PERSONAL STYLE IS SO DISTINCTIVE, PARTICULARLY YOUR LOVE FOR VINTAGE FASHION. WHAT DOES YOUR WARDROBE EXPRESS ABOUT YOU THAT WORDS CAN'T?
I love stories, storytelling, and romance. I think that explains my love for vintage, and my love for femininity. I see femininity as being bold and powerful rather than just vulnerable, I think when it’s harnessed right femininity is so strong and sure. That’s why I like to dress how I do and don’t shy away from not playing it safe.
IS THERE A VERSION OF YOURSELF YOU'VE HAD TO LET GO OF TO BECOME THE WOMAN YOU ARE TODAY?
Just the version who felt the need to perform or alter myself, dim myself in any way to feel more comfortable in a room.
THROUGH YOUR BOOK LOVING WITH DEMONS AND YOUR WRITING, WHAT HAVE YOU DISCOVERED ABOUT YOURSELF THAT YOU MIGHT NOT HAVE OTHERWISE?
Writing made me realise how much I value my own company and solitude in general. I truly loved being a one-woman team on a project as long and difficult as a novel. Every time you sit down ready to write, you ask yourself what do I want to say today. It’s like a conversation with yourself and I had lost the value in that! We seek too many distractions that we neglect ourselves.
AS A BRITISH-SOUTH ASIAN WOMAN, HOW HAS YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR CULTURAL IDENTITY EVOLVED, AND IN WHAT WAYS DOES IT INFLUENCE HOW YOU MOVE THROUGH THE WORLD?
I have so much to thank my culture for. The respect I have towards neighbours, friends, family, elders, food, charity. The kindness that has been sowed into me comes purely from my mother and her mother. They carry themselves with so much humility. There are also very toxic parts of British Asian culture, how judgmental it can be. I’m a self-proclaimed rebel so I definitely evolved to dismantle any box they tried to politely tuck me into. I wish I could empower more women in older generations not to live in fear of the opinions that trap us in Asian culture.
WHAT CONTRADICTIONS WITHIN YOURSELF HAVE YOU LEARNED TO EMBRACE RATHER THAN EXPLAIN?
I’ve learned that I can be fiercely independent and still want to be taken care of, be soft hearted but guarded, a hopeless romantic without being naive. I can crave a love that consumes me without wanting to lose myself in it. I want to be seen, but not everybody gets to know me. I want control, but I also want to let go. I think I’ve stopped trying to make every part of me make sense. I can be strong and sensitive, detached and deeply attached, ambitious and vulnerable, all at once. They’re all parts of me, and I don’t have to choose between them.
BETWEEN FASHION, WRITING, ADVOCACY AND YOUR PERSONAL LIFE, HOW DO YOU STAY CONNECTED TO YOURSELF WHEN PEOPLE ONLY RECOGNISE ONE SIDE OF YOU?
Alone time. It’s so important. I love being alone and at home! I’m such a comfort creature (Taurus moon) I love to light candles, cook a hearty meal, snuggle up on the sofa and just spend time with myself, collecting thoughts and reflecting and calling my energy back to myself!
AS YOU ENTER THIS NEXT CHAPTER, WHAT ARE YOU MAKING MORE ROOM FOR, AND WHAT DO YOU WISH PEOPLE UNDERSTOOD ABOUT YOU?
I’m making more room for trust, I’m very protective of myself but my goal is to learn to allow room for things to go wrong because I can’t control anything anyway. I am trying to be more comfortable with being vulnerable. Eventually I aspire to maybe even listen to a man's opinion (maybe at least on a special occasion) and I don’t wish anyone understood much more about me, I think in doing so I’m fighting a never ending losing battle. Instead I wish we all understood just how complex and ever-changing we all are. How multidimensional, multifaceted, contradicting, contrasting and wonderful humans are.
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